THE CORE OF THE EARTH—After the leak of the weekly Purgatory schedule on Monday morning, Catholics said they were pleasantly surprised that the list of activities included church. However, many expressed dismay upon learning that the service consisted entirely of handbell choirs.
“The din of a bell choir is worse than discomfort – it is abject misery, showing you the depth of your heinous sins against a holy God.” A Vatican spokesperson has confirmed that the afterlife is exempt from the Geneva Convention’s torture ban, defending the purgative qualities of hearing abuse. “Our bells can really swing, so it’s pretty heartbreaking – none of that sweet ‘clink-clink-clink’ in our rendition of ‘Carol of the Bells’!” The Vatican official went on to boast about how many bells each member of the choir can hold at once, not impressing anyone.
“But will it be children’s choirs? A casual viewer, Jared Moore expressed concern that the instrumentation was amateurish. “I want to gather and worship, but I won’t mind the rattles and knocks out of rhythm. I would rather be condemned to hell from the start! When asked what he knows about Hell, Moore hesitated, as his priest always does Mass in Latin and he only goes on Christmas and Easter anyway.
The bell community has expressed confusion and offense at this report. “We love the whole process, from putting on felt gloves to yelling at kids not to touch our bells with their grimy fingers without gloves!” When asked why the bells didn’t make music that was pleasant to hear, they again asserted their ignorance: “You probably haven’t heard it with a big enough choir.” Imagine hundreds of bells ringing at almost at the same time, for hundreds of years. Glorious!”
At the time of publication, Jared Moore, an occasional church goer, had had a wish to visit hell as a potential alternative to purgatory, but began begging for purgatory instead after being exposed to the hellish cacophony of bagpipes, recorders and harpsichords.
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